Mom and Me on Christmas Day

Allison Bottke and Chris Smith on Christmas Day 2011

My Mom and me on Christmas Day 2011… AT CHURCH!

Happy New Year!

It’s hard to believe it’s 2012 and that I’ve been living on the outside for almost two years. Sorry I have not posted for awhile, but I moved into my own apartment in October and I don’t have easy access to Internet.

Yep, that’s right, I HAVE MY OWN APARTMENT! YA-HOO!

Don’t get me wrong, it was okay hanging out with my Mom for awhile, but all those boundaries were killing me (ha-ha)!

As soon as I can afford it I’ll get connected online, but for now I’m going to take a temporary leave from the Bad Guy Goes Good blog. But hey, my Mom just launched a brand new Setting Boundaries Books website and SANITY Support blog and you can go there to keep up-to-date on wassup. I’m going to post something from time-to-time on her blog and in her newsletter so make sure to subscribe to that.

Mom also has some Setting Boundaries SANITY Support groups scheduled for the DFW area starting in February so I might be helping out at her book table. Did I ever post the photo of the first time I worked at one of her events? It was so cool to meet some of you there. Here’s the photo below.

Until we meet again hang in there, stay safe, and God bless you!

Chris (aka: Bad Guy Goes Good)

 

PS: If you post a comment please be patient until I can get online, k? Thanx!

positive or negitive..you decide

Apr.9^th 20101

Well this is nothing nice. I wish I could tell u that life is bowl of oranges but some of got the pits. In the last few weeks I have had surgery and I waited so long for the surgery it did nerve damage to my nerve on my leg. It’s nothing nice. I had my SSI hearing on March 23.i did not get a answer and was told me it would take a few weeks to hear from them…it’s always hurry up and wait !! The lord id truly testing me. I think of Job and his trials…to be honest it does help but I’m scared to take on those trials…I have 56 months clean and I came to relive…If I wanted to get high, it’s not possible, I know no one who uses and I don’t even knee where to score and I thank the lord for that. My mom has truly blessed me and I keep it going one day at a time…even a second a day…I get so depressed and just get lost…I do know the lord does have a plan for me. That is what keeps me going everyday…

I wish I could tell you how to fix you and yours…but I can’t and it pains me to say so. I’m 39 and I took the lord in my life and I hit bottom several. Times I bounced and bounced a few more times…I believe you have to let your love ones live to the best of their own drum…and to be 100% real some might make it .I know this is  not a good subject but you cannot  lead a horse to water and make him drink

I don’t know if my words mean anything …I right about how I feel and  I write as I see it..

Just a poam i wrote in Prison..true thoughts

Wrote this poem in Prison on 11/7/07 1:27am.

 

Waiting

Looking threw the bars

Looking out the open fields so near but yet so far.

Wondering about my friends out there

What there doing now.

Wishing I could be with them today.

My strength is my memories of yesterday

I keep them close I keep them near.

I keep them, to keep down the fear.

For every day I awake and pray

For the Lord to take my soul away.

I know life with him is much better than life behind theses walls,

I know someday he will take me away

I pray that day will come today.

But if not I’ll do my best

And wait another day.

And listen for him to say

I’m taking you away today my friend.

Because today is the end.

The Demons that haunt us late at night

Sometimes a person starts to think too much, I can think about a pencil long enough for it to become the biggest deal in my life. I don’t know about you but this can be very hard and most difficult to get over. I know I hold the keys to my future but sometimes the past just does not want to fade from my memories. The lord knows this to, so I tend to think that he does not want me to move forward till I resolve these past issues. I have had quite a colorful background and have done many of things and hurt many of people in my travels. I just used to do what I wanted with no care of anyone but myself. I’m trying to change that but it troubles me late at night when my mind wonders and my night mares kick in…it’s like I cannot get away from them I’m haunted with the old times and don’t know how to move beyond them…I try getting in my bible and it calms the demon inside of me for a bit but then the devil climbs to the top and tries to gnaw threw my wall of safety..I don’t know if any of you deal with this kind of things and I pray you don’t but as for me it’s a reality of my life and my past. I put this in the Lords hands and I try to surrender it over to the Lord and the Holy Spirit. But it does not stop so there must be a reason for this because i know the Lord will help me remember that nothing is going to happen to me today that he and I together can’t handle..If anyone out there has an idea to help me out i would love to hear about it and talk to you …Praise the Lord.

help keeping me sane in the coming months

Well good day all, this is off my 5 part series, but I thought I would give all of you an update on my health. On 8/30/10 on a Sunday I received a MRI, It only took 5 months to get one but thank the lord I got one, Well after the radiologist read it he sent me down to the emergency room and said my disk was blown and was very surprised I was walking…I informed him I was not walking too often..Any way I sat in the urgent care till 3 am and was saw by an orthopedic surgeon who said I needed surgery, he wanted me to be seen by his boss the next day, well that went well, I guess. He told me a whole bunch of mumbo jumbo that I had no idea what it meant, except I needed a operation, I asked for another appointment next week so I could bring my mother and my Pastor, My pastor has had 35 surgeries on his back. What it comes down to is I’m getting surgery, now I’m asking for a favor from anyone out there. I’m looking for an old X-Box. Nothing special they have upgraded the X-Box and other gaming devices so much the old one is not even sold in stores anymore. Pawn shops Carrie them.  But I’m asking for a donation or a gift. If you or one of your children have a old one laying around I sure could use it, I’m going to be laid up in my bed healing for some time and need something to keep my mind off the pain and there is only so much reading a guy can do. So if you have one or know someone who does it would be great to get it. My money is very tight but I might be able to help with shipping fees…I thought I would ask  around so thank you for your time reading this and seeing what you can do, Thank you very much and God Bless you all..

Stop The Insanity And Surprise You’r Self And You’r Loved Ones

This Blog Is The First Of A Five Part Series.

Part # 1.

As I sit and ponder my future, I come to so many walls, so many “what ifs” and “whys” and “when’s.” I think that’s normal for someone wanting to change their life around, someone trying to do things different. So, I find myself dealing with these issues one by one. And I try to keep it in my head that this is my life, and there are thoughts of the past—a past I cannot change or undo. And I have no plan to go back to that life style again, yet I find that if I think about something long enough it can overtake my mind. I can make the smallest issue become the biggest problem in my life, if I dwell on it long enough.

And I’ve got to stop dwelling on negative things. Period. But that’s a hard habit to break.

I thought for many years that the glass was half empty with a crack in it…and I just dulled those thoughts with drugs and material things to keep my mind at bay. You see, I didn’t grow up under normal circumstances. I started running away from home at the age of 13, I was on the streets and living the life of an outlaw, so I tended to have a negative outlook on most things. Life was not that great and I was not a nice and happy-go-lucky kind of guy. I took what I wanted and did what I needed to do to survive. On the streets, people take advantage of weakness. Hurting others did not mean a thing to me, and it seemed I had no conscience. But like I said, I was doing what I could to survive. The streets can break the hardest men and bring you to your knees—making thoughts of taking your life a reality.

Freedom from Big Brother Electronic Monitoring System!

I CUT LOOSE!

I had been in a MN prison after doing 40 months out of 60 when I got out of the joint on Apr.29, 2010.  Prior to being released, I requested to the parole board to transfer my case to Texas. I flew in to Texas on May 1^st and reported right away to my parole officer, I was immediately put on an electric monitoring device strapped to my left leg, a GPS system. I was under a curfew everyday there was a time limit I could come and go. It was a pain. I was free from prison but freedom was still not there. A phone line had to be hooked up to the house just for this monitor and thank the Lord for  my mother who had to talk with and take classes for the state of Texas  to allow them to transfer my Parole here. I was on this program for almost 100 days, and let me say I did not have one curfew violation. Three parole visits and one home visit a month, plus I had to go to two meetings a week. AA, NA, South Haltom church, Celebrate recovery. I jumped through their hoops and did what I had to do. Don’t get me wrong some days I just did not want to go or do anything but I kept going and kept my Faith rolling…

On  Aug 11^th at 8:00 am I received the call from my parole officer and was told I should come in and bring my equipment with me because I was being taking of off  this monitor..Praise the lord!! By 10:00am I was at the parole office monitor in hand and got the GPS thing cut of my leg. Just another reward of doing what I had to do and wanted to do, the lord was with me many days when I just wanted to get up and go out. I followed the rules and believe me that’s totally new for me, I was an Outlaw for so long and don’t get me wrong  I still have outlaw things run through my head,  but now I can choose not to take that road. I can stay positive and follow the lord. And the rules of life.

If you or someone you know has ever had this monitor you know it’s no joke. My advice to you is if you are on it. It will end. I had to tell myself so many times “”my worse day out here is better than my best day behind the walls”” Take it one day at a time. I’m living proof that it can be done.