Mom and Me on Christmas Day

Allison Bottke and Chris Smith on Christmas Day 2011

My Mom and me on Christmas Day 2011… AT CHURCH!

Happy New Year!

It’s hard to believe it’s 2012 and that I’ve been living on the outside for almost two years. Sorry I have not posted for awhile, but I moved into my own apartment in October and I don’t have easy access to Internet.

Yep, that’s right, I HAVE MY OWN APARTMENT! YA-HOO!

Don’t get me wrong, it was okay hanging out with my Mom for awhile, but all those boundaries were killing me (ha-ha)!

As soon as I can afford it I’ll get connected online, but for now I’m going to take a temporary leave from the Bad Guy Goes Good blog. But hey, my Mom just launched a brand new Setting Boundaries Books website and SANITY Support blog and you can go there to keep up-to-date on wassup. I’m going to post something from time-to-time on her blog and in her newsletter so make sure to subscribe to that.

Mom also has some Setting Boundaries SANITY Support groups scheduled for the DFW area starting in February so I might be helping out at her book table. Did I ever post the photo of the first time I worked at one of her events? It was so cool to meet some of you there. Here’s the photo below.

Until we meet again hang in there, stay safe, and God bless you!

Chris (aka: Bad Guy Goes Good)

 

PS: If you post a comment please be patient until I can get online, k? Thanx!

I finally found the path I was looking for.

 

Well this is for all who are out there still living in the dark…

I was once lost and I found my way…let me say it was no easy thing. I hit bottom and bounced again and again…a lot of people say they are waiting for their loved one to hit bottom, but the reality is bottom is different for all who survive the fall. As for me I spent many years in and out of prison and at the age of 30 I started thinking I need to slow down…And I still went to prison. What I’m saying is if you have a loved one who still walks with the devil. Let him travel on his road…this might be hard to do but you are not going to change their life. There comes a time when that person will get on the right path. I wish I could tell you a miracle cure but I can’t…love him and be there for him…only if you see the changes…changes that last awhile for you to build trust. We as addicts can and will lie cheat and steal…most addicts I know and have seen that there master manipulators. Do not forget that…Your love one must prove that he is doing well. The big book of AA. Says we are a day away from using…I have over 4 years clean from drugs and the Lord has delivered me from my addictions today…you are by no means alone. This country makes so much money on the prison. And they account on re-offenders.

I truly wish I could tell you more but the message is pray and ask the Lord to help your son/daughter. Find his way home alive…

The rewards of living free and clean

Well good day all,

I have not been on top of my Blog for a bit…I flew back to MN. To visit. It was great to get away and see my 9 year old son Connor…Things went well I did not do too much because of the weather 27 below..But it was ok I spent a lot of time with my son. It was kind of a worry of mine to go back to MN. That’s where I was in prison and I did not want to run into any old friends so I went in on the down low…

 

Well I am grateful for the holy spirit for keeping me on track  I’m still clean and have no urge to use and my trip was proof that for today I will not use ever again !!

 

I got to meet in person a couple that has been writing me for a couple of years…they are a blessing to me and there  very secure in there Faith. We went out to eat and it was a blessed day.

 

I’m still struggling with my anxieties and depression but it is what it is…I’m trying to get over it; My DR. put me on meds. I was always against meds but they seen to be working. If you have any reservations on taking meds…I say try it, it can’t hurt…

The Lord has blessed me in so many ways…I’m a new person. And it feels good.

Last week I went to my parole officers and I can’t tell you how great it was not to be scared and tripping out hoping I did not get a UA  or her finding out I was up to no good, And believe me I’m not a new bee..I have done parole hiding things but these past 11 months I have nothing to worry about…no sweat seeing my Parole office…She told me I’m her last worry…that really made my day…It’s such a good feeling to not have to lie and watch my back. I pray every one on Parole can feel the same way…It’s not easy but I surround myself with positive people and support groups

The Demons that haunt us late at night

Sometimes a person starts to think too much, I can think about a pencil long enough for it to become the biggest deal in my life. I don’t know about you but this can be very hard and most difficult to get over. I know I hold the keys to my future but sometimes the past just does not want to fade from my memories. The lord knows this to, so I tend to think that he does not want me to move forward till I resolve these past issues. I have had quite a colorful background and have done many of things and hurt many of people in my travels. I just used to do what I wanted with no care of anyone but myself. I’m trying to change that but it troubles me late at night when my mind wonders and my night mares kick in…it’s like I cannot get away from them I’m haunted with the old times and don’t know how to move beyond them…I try getting in my bible and it calms the demon inside of me for a bit but then the devil climbs to the top and tries to gnaw threw my wall of safety..I don’t know if any of you deal with this kind of things and I pray you don’t but as for me it’s a reality of my life and my past. I put this in the Lords hands and I try to surrender it over to the Lord and the Holy Spirit. But it does not stop so there must be a reason for this because i know the Lord will help me remember that nothing is going to happen to me today that he and I together can’t handle..If anyone out there has an idea to help me out i would love to hear about it and talk to you …Praise the Lord.

help keeping me sane in the coming months

Well good day all, this is off my 5 part series, but I thought I would give all of you an update on my health. On 8/30/10 on a Sunday I received a MRI, It only took 5 months to get one but thank the lord I got one, Well after the radiologist read it he sent me down to the emergency room and said my disk was blown and was very surprised I was walking…I informed him I was not walking too often..Any way I sat in the urgent care till 3 am and was saw by an orthopedic surgeon who said I needed surgery, he wanted me to be seen by his boss the next day, well that went well, I guess. He told me a whole bunch of mumbo jumbo that I had no idea what it meant, except I needed a operation, I asked for another appointment next week so I could bring my mother and my Pastor, My pastor has had 35 surgeries on his back. What it comes down to is I’m getting surgery, now I’m asking for a favor from anyone out there. I’m looking for an old X-Box. Nothing special they have upgraded the X-Box and other gaming devices so much the old one is not even sold in stores anymore. Pawn shops Carrie them.  But I’m asking for a donation or a gift. If you or one of your children have a old one laying around I sure could use it, I’m going to be laid up in my bed healing for some time and need something to keep my mind off the pain and there is only so much reading a guy can do. So if you have one or know someone who does it would be great to get it. My money is very tight but I might be able to help with shipping fees…I thought I would ask  around so thank you for your time reading this and seeing what you can do, Thank you very much and God Bless you all..

Stop The Insanity And Surprise You’r Self And You’r Loved Ones

This Blog Is The First Of A Five Part Series.

Part # 1.

As I sit and ponder my future, I come to so many walls, so many “what ifs” and “whys” and “when’s.” I think that’s normal for someone wanting to change their life around, someone trying to do things different. So, I find myself dealing with these issues one by one. And I try to keep it in my head that this is my life, and there are thoughts of the past—a past I cannot change or undo. And I have no plan to go back to that life style again, yet I find that if I think about something long enough it can overtake my mind. I can make the smallest issue become the biggest problem in my life, if I dwell on it long enough.

And I’ve got to stop dwelling on negative things. Period. But that’s a hard habit to break.

I thought for many years that the glass was half empty with a crack in it…and I just dulled those thoughts with drugs and material things to keep my mind at bay. You see, I didn’t grow up under normal circumstances. I started running away from home at the age of 13, I was on the streets and living the life of an outlaw, so I tended to have a negative outlook on most things. Life was not that great and I was not a nice and happy-go-lucky kind of guy. I took what I wanted and did what I needed to do to survive. On the streets, people take advantage of weakness. Hurting others did not mean a thing to me, and it seemed I had no conscience. But like I said, I was doing what I could to survive. The streets can break the hardest men and bring you to your knees—making thoughts of taking your life a reality.

Pain managment, A blessing from Christ.

Well all my brothers and sisters in Christ, I have been blessed, Today I’m going to a pain management clinic and its taking me almost five months to get this appointment, And I’m scheduled for a MRI sometime this month. Praise the lord. Thanks to my home church South Haltom they are blessing me with help and support, I cannot even began to tell you how much love and support I have been given from my loved ones from my church, …. I want to be fixed and live, walk and carry on a normal life. I hurt so bad and this effects my mental well being so much, I’m learning jumping threw these hoops and  5 months later that it pays  off to be patience and fallow threw there rules and walk there steps. But it is paying off. So to you out there with medical problems and feel like life is getting hard my advice is to stick to your program and take advantage of everything the state has to offer, Don’t get me wrong its nothing nice to jump or crawl through the systems hoops but it does work. Unless you are one of the fortunate ones who can afford insurance, I stay Faithful and I stay clean and the Lord does reward me… Don’t even think for a second I have not been in so much pain that the thought of going and scoring some dope from the corner has not entered my mind, But I read my bible and pray and talk to my support group almost daily…Keep your head up and try to walk tall and keep your Faith strong it does eventually work out..God does bless all of you. If you are having some of these issues please get back to me and let’s talk, I need all the advice I can get…This way of live is nothing nice and I know the Lord did not make me and walk by my side for all these years to let me rot in some bed. I have my faith and my 45 months drug free…And it feels great.

When the tough gets going the Holy Spirit starts moving in.

As I sit and ponder the past few months I truly see the lord working in me and my family. I cannot begin to list the miracles I have seen and bin apart of. The lord has walked with me and bin by my side so much. I looked up the Department of corrections in MN. And 9 out of ten of my friends are back behind the walls, it pains me to see they have made wrong choices in their life and I pray for then so much. I wish they could feel the love that I do from my support groups, my church and my true friends. But as we all know the lord has different plans for all of us. And I’m so very thankful that the lord has my back.

It’s not easy out here to live a crime free and drug free life. I believe we all want support, love and to feel accepted in our surroundings. For me that was one of my major challenges. I would get out and try to hang with “”positive”” people but I found it very hard to stay in contact with people who I had nothing in common with. I felt like I was an outcast and did not fit in. And eventually I went back to my old friends and my old ways…I wanted to feel accepted and I wanted so very much to fit in and be loved and accepted. And I was not getting those feelings with the peers I was with, so of course I went to where I felt comfortable. I know this must sound crazy to some but love and acceptance is what I needed the most. It’s so much easier to deal with curve balls thrown at me when I have a friend there to give me a hug and reassure me it will get better. And better it does get. It might take a few to get it but we all know that our time is way different  then the lords time…Me myself I want things now and I want them fixed now not later.

I keep going and pressing on and some days I see the light at the end of the tunnel and other days it seems to vanish away. I have faith that I will make it and I will give it 100% of my life to make it. I was not put here by the lord to be caged and locked up. I get so many comments and prayers that it makes me feel that I’m finally doing something right, I hope when I comment back to those hurting souls that my words help them and let them know that life is hard and not always fair and the Devil is always at our back door trying to get in and use our weakness to break us down and take us from the lord and his glory…Keep your head up and keep going it will get better and as the saying goes sometimes it gets worse before it get better….My love and prayers go out to all of you and I hope you can keep going when it gets tough

The Lord is Delivering Me from My Pain and Depression

Well folks, since my last blog on the 15^th things have gotten a lot better. Sometimes it’s just hard to pull through another day, when I feel like I cannot do anything right and my depression is at its high. It’s hard… I’m sure others can relate to that. I think that’s the devil at my back door.

I had so many people comment on my last blog. It was amazing to see that I have so many friends who care about my well being. I had lunch with one of those friends last week. Roger Hollar is the Executive Director of Mercy Heart, a ministry to families of inmates and ex-offenders. Roger is also Executive Pastor at Glenview Baptist Church, the umbrella church for my home church; South Haltom Community Church.

Me and my Uncle Greg the Backgammon Champ.

Roger is a great guy, and he knows the pains, ups, and downs of an ex-cons coming out into the free world. He’s involved in prison ministry on a daily basis. His prayers have helped me so much since I got released.

My Uncle Greg flew in from Nevada on a business trip and he let me stay with him for a few days at the Hilton Anatole In Dallas. I was in an executive suite and had all the perks, including the executive lounge and indoor and outdoor pool. I get along with my uncle very well. He is a down to earth kind of guy. He’s also my God-Father. It was nice to just get away and relax, and let me tell you I did relax.

I know and understand that I must keep with the Word and walk with the Lord and keep my faith strong. I have a lot of physical pain. For those who do not know, I was in a serious motorcycle accident in 2005 and I was in a wheel chair for almost a year. My right side is full of pins and metal and it causes more pain then I wish to tell you about…

As for today, I am living in the glory of the Lord and feeling the Holy Spirit running through me. I’m still clean and I’m still doing what’s right and I know I can continue to do so…Don’t get me wrong, I know I will have other tough days ahead,  but as for me I choose to walk with the Lord in my house.

I truly thank all of you for your prayers and encouragement. God Bless all of you.

Chris

The pain of another lost day,

The pain I feel today,

Me and my quiet time

I cannot describe the pain I’m in, I feel so screwed up the last week. I cannot do anything right. I can’t comprehend this computer. I can’t walk around without pain; I can’t help out with money. I feel worthless. I’m in so much pain my heart aches. I’m doing everything above and beyond paroles expectations. I’m fully involved every week in my church, South Haltom, I’m involved every week in Celebrate recovery, I go to counseling with my pastor every week, I pray and pray for guidance  and direction, and favor.  I wish I could help my mother more but I try and try and but don’t get it. I get so overwhelmed and it happens so fast. My anxiety makes me feel like I’m having a heart attack and then  I shut down, I feel sometimes I’m a Burdon to my mother. She supports me and reassures  me daily that I’m making positive moves and she gives me so much love and care. I KNOW SHE WOULD DO ANYTHING SHE CAN FOR ME AND SHE DOES. Without her I would probably be back in prison…It pains my heart so much seeing her work every day. And the pain she is in…We have mighty prayer partners and we have support, but not knowing what the lord has in store for us is so hard. Living outside the walls of prison is nothing nice sometimes…Prison was easy for me. Sometimes I just want to go back to my cell and do my time. In prison I was so close to the lord, Miracles happened every day for me. I was content, not always happy but I was close to the lord and I felt the Holy Spirit working in me so much.

My application for reinstatement for SSI was denied once again. I’m going through the appeals process. I need help so bad in so many areas. I’m so stressed out, I know I’m not alone in these trials and I know others are out there in the same position I am in. Please tell me what you’re doing to overcome this fear. And frustration.

I truly hate all these new feelings or guilt, remorse, knowing right from wrong and trying to live by the good word. I think I could go back to Tattooing and make more money than I could spend, but the lord has placed in my heart that a tattoo shop is a negative place for me to be in. But it is still hard knowing I could support myself and my mother with the skills I have.

Every day lately has been like this. I just want to sleep and wake up and have it all better. But I know that is not possible and not realistic. I’m lost and tired and I feel like I’m a waste of space on this earth. I would never hurt myself and another human being. But if the lord came today and took me up to heaven I would get on my hands and knees and thank him…Life is not east and life is not fair…I will be the first to admit it but I need a break so bad.

Please tell me if you’re going through this and have any of these feelings I have. I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want this vicious circle to keep repeating itself. I need help and I need prayers so I would ask all of you for a prayer or ten for me and my mom…I do know things do get better and God does have a plan for me and my family. But that waiting game is so very hard…That’s just how  I feel  today and I pray every day it will change…Please pray more for me and my mother……GOD BLESS YOU ALL….