Why do excons returne to prison, after we are realesed ??

 

My heart has been weighing heavy lately and thought of all you lost souls out there, I also think and pray daily about all my friends who have returned to prison..It pains me to think about all the evil and peoples old ways coming to the surface. I heard nothing but I’m never going back to prison when I was behind the walls and as I look at the DOC web site I see so many of my friends I did bible studies and friends who I thought that really had a plan and ideas, goals so when they got out they could stay out.

But I know firsthand it’s easier said than done. I have made more bad choices then I care to admit and I know that the only thing that has kept me from violating my parole is the walk I walk with the lord. My mother is the second reason witch comes to this point..I have a church and a great support network of powerful prayer warriors on my side.

I think that these friends of mine who I truly believe that wanted to stay clean and stay out of prison where missing one huge factor in there re-entry..No support group, No friends and family who they could just sit and talk to. I do not expect a lot of parents and others to understand what someone who has spent years behind the walls feel upon release..But for myself I talked and communicated with my mother and pastor and my mentors the feelings of not being able to be in crowds and not being able to voice my feelings.

.See feelings in side prison are dangerous..We cannot show feelings or show weakness..It’s just not possible surrounded by people just looking to pray on the weak..So we hold it in and after so long it becomes habit to not talk and not let our feelings show..Yes it is not right but let me tell you it is the way it goes..And after we come out and people honestly try to help we find it hard. We have spent so many years bottling up our anger, feelings and trying to forget the past. That we truly forget how to trust and interact with others..

I truly believe that’s why so many of us convicts return to prison..We cannot open up and share our thoughts and goals and feelings..Some prisons are worse than others and I have been in maximum security prisons most of my life and let me tell you..I thought one day at a time because I might not live to see the next..I understand this is harsh and it’s hard to comprehend but I’m telling you all this is the way it is…

My point I’m making is if you have a loved one coming out of the system, I feel you must let them move on there on time, please do not hit them with what are you going to do now..Too soon, try to understand that they are fighting for their life day and night, even though they are not behind the walls anymore. I know it might be hard to watch your love one sit in his room but think of it like this, he has been in a cell and its comfortable to be in a small area and have control of his surroundings and let him adjust on his own..Show him your love and understanding but try not to put too much on his plate..That will overload a convict so fast and shut down and us as people want to feel safe and comfortable and we want to know our surroundings and if you try to fast to change his thought pattern..You might have a runner on your hands.

It’s not that we like or want to go back to prison. I hear so much he must like it in there..This is so not true the fact is he is comfortable in that surrounding and the stress of the outside and the responsibilities were too much…please try to understand we need time to adjust and it may be a month or years but know this..We all want to be free from the prison and we want to enjoy life..So he or she will come around but please don’t try to rush it, give it to the Lord and he will work, mold your love one into a new man..Rember the lord’s time is not our time….well that’s my thought for today..God Bless you all.

The pain of another lost day,

The pain I feel today,

Me and my quiet time

I cannot describe the pain I’m in, I feel so screwed up the last week. I cannot do anything right. I can’t comprehend this computer. I can’t walk around without pain; I can’t help out with money. I feel worthless. I’m in so much pain my heart aches. I’m doing everything above and beyond paroles expectations. I’m fully involved every week in my church, South Haltom, I’m involved every week in Celebrate recovery, I go to counseling with my pastor every week, I pray and pray for guidance  and direction, and favor.  I wish I could help my mother more but I try and try and but don’t get it. I get so overwhelmed and it happens so fast. My anxiety makes me feel like I’m having a heart attack and then  I shut down, I feel sometimes I’m a Burdon to my mother. She supports me and reassures  me daily that I’m making positive moves and she gives me so much love and care. I KNOW SHE WOULD DO ANYTHING SHE CAN FOR ME AND SHE DOES. Without her I would probably be back in prison…It pains my heart so much seeing her work every day. And the pain she is in…We have mighty prayer partners and we have support, but not knowing what the lord has in store for us is so hard. Living outside the walls of prison is nothing nice sometimes…Prison was easy for me. Sometimes I just want to go back to my cell and do my time. In prison I was so close to the lord, Miracles happened every day for me. I was content, not always happy but I was close to the lord and I felt the Holy Spirit working in me so much.

My application for reinstatement for SSI was denied once again. I’m going through the appeals process. I need help so bad in so many areas. I’m so stressed out, I know I’m not alone in these trials and I know others are out there in the same position I am in. Please tell me what you’re doing to overcome this fear. And frustration.

I truly hate all these new feelings or guilt, remorse, knowing right from wrong and trying to live by the good word. I think I could go back to Tattooing and make more money than I could spend, but the lord has placed in my heart that a tattoo shop is a negative place for me to be in. But it is still hard knowing I could support myself and my mother with the skills I have.

Every day lately has been like this. I just want to sleep and wake up and have it all better. But I know that is not possible and not realistic. I’m lost and tired and I feel like I’m a waste of space on this earth. I would never hurt myself and another human being. But if the lord came today and took me up to heaven I would get on my hands and knees and thank him…Life is not east and life is not fair…I will be the first to admit it but I need a break so bad.

Please tell me if you’re going through this and have any of these feelings I have. I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want this vicious circle to keep repeating itself. I need help and I need prayers so I would ask all of you for a prayer or ten for me and my mom…I do know things do get better and God does have a plan for me and my family. But that waiting game is so very hard…That’s just how  I feel  today and I pray every day it will change…Please pray more for me and my mother……GOD BLESS YOU ALL….

Freedom from Big Brother Electronic Monitoring System!

I CUT LOOSE!

I had been in a MN prison after doing 40 months out of 60 when I got out of the joint on Apr.29, 2010.  Prior to being released, I requested to the parole board to transfer my case to Texas. I flew in to Texas on May 1^st and reported right away to my parole officer, I was immediately put on an electric monitoring device strapped to my left leg, a GPS system. I was under a curfew everyday there was a time limit I could come and go. It was a pain. I was free from prison but freedom was still not there. A phone line had to be hooked up to the house just for this monitor and thank the Lord for  my mother who had to talk with and take classes for the state of Texas  to allow them to transfer my Parole here. I was on this program for almost 100 days, and let me say I did not have one curfew violation. Three parole visits and one home visit a month, plus I had to go to two meetings a week. AA, NA, South Haltom church, Celebrate recovery. I jumped through their hoops and did what I had to do. Don’t get me wrong some days I just did not want to go or do anything but I kept going and kept my Faith rolling…

On  Aug 11^th at 8:00 am I received the call from my parole officer and was told I should come in and bring my equipment with me because I was being taking of off  this monitor..Praise the lord!! By 10:00am I was at the parole office monitor in hand and got the GPS thing cut of my leg. Just another reward of doing what I had to do and wanted to do, the lord was with me many days when I just wanted to get up and go out. I followed the rules and believe me that’s totally new for me, I was an Outlaw for so long and don’t get me wrong  I still have outlaw things run through my head,  but now I can choose not to take that road. I can stay positive and follow the lord. And the rules of life.

If you or someone you know has ever had this monitor you know it’s no joke. My advice to you is if you are on it. It will end. I had to tell myself so many times “”my worse day out here is better than my best day behind the walls”” Take it one day at a time. I’m living proof that it can be done.

try the Lord for 30 days if you’re not satisfied you can get a full refund…

As the lord works out my direction, I feel his hand on my shoulder directing me to the path he wants me to take. I feel the need to help other addicts, drunks and lost sheep. I also hope and pray that my testimony can give some comfort to the parents of lost children. I’m living proof that God Does allow U-turns. I truly feel that all the life experiences I have can help someone…Let me tell you a little somthin somthin…When I was young going through the juvenile court system and counselors, I felt they had no credibility at all. They knew nothing of squatting under the Golden Gate Bridge, Hustling drugs to survive. Don’t get me wrong they were educated in their field but most of them came from upper middle class homes…And I could see it in the souls…so they had no credibility with me..I think to this day that if someone like myself had talked to me and explained some life rules it would of helped me on my journey…I know the lord had me travel that road for a reason  and I am who I am today because of it. But it was nothing nice…I hope and pray for the youth of today, Life is hard and can tear you up quicker than anything…But The Lord can provide and give our souls some rest and reassure us  that it is brighter on the other side of the fence. I say try the Lord for 30 days if you’re not satisfied you can get a full refund…

Another hill to climb, Living free

When I’m stressed I sit in my room , dark and comfortable like my old cell. I keep the door closed at night and locked up tight because the fear is still there. I try to brush it off but it just won’t go away. My mother does not like me in a dark room. Believe me we have had a couple of heated discussions about it. She just can’t understand my thoughts, I try to explain it to her but she does not get it. Don’t get me wrong she try’s and does more for me then I can tell you. But living in a 6×9 cell is something I can’t explain, and I don’t want you who have never been there to try to understand this feeling.

In my cell late at night

With my gate locked up tight

I sit and think about the past

Wonder about the future

If my life will last

I cannot see and cannot hear what is going on around me.

I’m tucked away and out of sight

Locked in my cell day and night

I know I’m not behind the walls any more but trying to feel comfortable out here is a job in its self. Just my thoughts for today, a look inside my head if you may…

OUT OF PRISON & AND LIVING FREE

I pray every day for guidance , Strength, direction, and favor. I know the lord has big plans for me, I have been through so many trials and tribulations that he must have a plan for my life. I have kissed death more times than I can tell you, I have been shot and shot at too many times to list. The lord has always been there for  me . I might not have known it at the time but as I look back on the times, places and things that I was involved in I can see clearly that he was walking me and sometimes caring me threw my life. I am able to make a U-Turn thanks to the Lord…

Bad guy goes good. Excon walking the road to recovery.

As  I sit and write this I must admit there are so many worries, anxieties, stresses, and problems coming out of prison…Insurance, mental and physical evaluations. It is hard to find a place to start..I have such anxieties  with groups of people, Church is sometimes hard to handle. Just taking in a little bit of info can overload me so fast cause me to almost have a break down. Going to the refrigerator is such a big deal..Freedom is nice don’t   get me wrong but it’s really over whelming…If your fresh out of the joint and reading this you know exactly what I mean..If you’re a parent of a child who is coming out or is freshly out, please take it slow. Bad guys can go good…We can make a U-Turn in life..