positive or negitive..you decide

Apr.9^th 20101

Well this is nothing nice. I wish I could tell u that life is bowl of oranges but some of got the pits. In the last few weeks I have had surgery and I waited so long for the surgery it did nerve damage to my nerve on my leg. It’s nothing nice. I had my SSI hearing on March 23.i did not get a answer and was told me it would take a few weeks to hear from them…it’s always hurry up and wait !! The lord id truly testing me. I think of Job and his trials…to be honest it does help but I’m scared to take on those trials…I have 56 months clean and I came to relive…If I wanted to get high, it’s not possible, I know no one who uses and I don’t even knee where to score and I thank the lord for that. My mom has truly blessed me and I keep it going one day at a time…even a second a day…I get so depressed and just get lost…I do know the lord does have a plan for me. That is what keeps me going everyday…

I wish I could tell you how to fix you and yours…but I can’t and it pains me to say so. I’m 39 and I took the lord in my life and I hit bottom several. Times I bounced and bounced a few more times…I believe you have to let your love ones live to the best of their own drum…and to be 100% real some might make it .I know this is  not a good subject but you cannot  lead a horse to water and make him drink

I don’t know if my words mean anything …I right about how I feel and  I write as I see it..

Just a poam i wrote in Prison..true thoughts

Wrote this poem in Prison on 11/7/07 1:27am.

 

Waiting

Looking threw the bars

Looking out the open fields so near but yet so far.

Wondering about my friends out there

What there doing now.

Wishing I could be with them today.

My strength is my memories of yesterday

I keep them close I keep them near.

I keep them, to keep down the fear.

For every day I awake and pray

For the Lord to take my soul away.

I know life with him is much better than life behind theses walls,

I know someday he will take me away

I pray that day will come today.

But if not I’ll do my best

And wait another day.

And listen for him to say

I’m taking you away today my friend.

Because today is the end.

The rewards of living free and clean

Well good day all,

I have not been on top of my Blog for a bit…I flew back to MN. To visit. It was great to get away and see my 9 year old son Connor…Things went well I did not do too much because of the weather 27 below..But it was ok I spent a lot of time with my son. It was kind of a worry of mine to go back to MN. That’s where I was in prison and I did not want to run into any old friends so I went in on the down low…

 

Well I am grateful for the holy spirit for keeping me on track  I’m still clean and have no urge to use and my trip was proof that for today I will not use ever again !!

 

I got to meet in person a couple that has been writing me for a couple of years…they are a blessing to me and there  very secure in there Faith. We went out to eat and it was a blessed day.

 

I’m still struggling with my anxieties and depression but it is what it is…I’m trying to get over it; My DR. put me on meds. I was always against meds but they seen to be working. If you have any reservations on taking meds…I say try it, it can’t hurt…

The Lord has blessed me in so many ways…I’m a new person. And it feels good.

Last week I went to my parole officers and I can’t tell you how great it was not to be scared and tripping out hoping I did not get a UA  or her finding out I was up to no good, And believe me I’m not a new bee..I have done parole hiding things but these past 11 months I have nothing to worry about…no sweat seeing my Parole office…She told me I’m her last worry…that really made my day…It’s such a good feeling to not have to lie and watch my back. I pray every one on Parole can feel the same way…It’s not easy but I surround myself with positive people and support groups

Stop The Insanity And Surprise You’r Self And You’r Loved Ones

This Blog Is The First Of A Five Part Series.

Part # 1.

As I sit and ponder my future, I come to so many walls, so many “what ifs” and “whys” and “when’s.” I think that’s normal for someone wanting to change their life around, someone trying to do things different. So, I find myself dealing with these issues one by one. And I try to keep it in my head that this is my life, and there are thoughts of the past—a past I cannot change or undo. And I have no plan to go back to that life style again, yet I find that if I think about something long enough it can overtake my mind. I can make the smallest issue become the biggest problem in my life, if I dwell on it long enough.

And I’ve got to stop dwelling on negative things. Period. But that’s a hard habit to break.

I thought for many years that the glass was half empty with a crack in it…and I just dulled those thoughts with drugs and material things to keep my mind at bay. You see, I didn’t grow up under normal circumstances. I started running away from home at the age of 13, I was on the streets and living the life of an outlaw, so I tended to have a negative outlook on most things. Life was not that great and I was not a nice and happy-go-lucky kind of guy. I took what I wanted and did what I needed to do to survive. On the streets, people take advantage of weakness. Hurting others did not mean a thing to me, and it seemed I had no conscience. But like I said, I was doing what I could to survive. The streets can break the hardest men and bring you to your knees—making thoughts of taking your life a reality.

Poem writen in prison 11/20/07

Me and my INK !!!

I wrote this while in prison. On 11/20/07  11:55pm

“””Location”””

I’m up late at night

In my cell tucked away

And out of sight

I sit and wonder

About all the things that are going to come my way in the coming day

I don’t know if I would call it fear or fright

I just know it’s out of sight

Maybe it’s around the bend

Maybe it will come at the day’s end

For one thing I know

All these days will go

And it will not matter how and when

Just that today will end

And I’ll be awake in my cell cold and dark

Ow it’s a living hell

For I know where I’ll be today

Just wait and see

Me in my cell

Again

Again

The Lord is Delivering Me from My Pain and Depression

Well folks, since my last blog on the 15^th things have gotten a lot better. Sometimes it’s just hard to pull through another day, when I feel like I cannot do anything right and my depression is at its high. It’s hard… I’m sure others can relate to that. I think that’s the devil at my back door.

I had so many people comment on my last blog. It was amazing to see that I have so many friends who care about my well being. I had lunch with one of those friends last week. Roger Hollar is the Executive Director of Mercy Heart, a ministry to families of inmates and ex-offenders. Roger is also Executive Pastor at Glenview Baptist Church, the umbrella church for my home church; South Haltom Community Church.

Me and my Uncle Greg the Backgammon Champ.

Roger is a great guy, and he knows the pains, ups, and downs of an ex-cons coming out into the free world. He’s involved in prison ministry on a daily basis. His prayers have helped me so much since I got released.

My Uncle Greg flew in from Nevada on a business trip and he let me stay with him for a few days at the Hilton Anatole In Dallas. I was in an executive suite and had all the perks, including the executive lounge and indoor and outdoor pool. I get along with my uncle very well. He is a down to earth kind of guy. He’s also my God-Father. It was nice to just get away and relax, and let me tell you I did relax.

I know and understand that I must keep with the Word and walk with the Lord and keep my faith strong. I have a lot of physical pain. For those who do not know, I was in a serious motorcycle accident in 2005 and I was in a wheel chair for almost a year. My right side is full of pins and metal and it causes more pain then I wish to tell you about…

As for today, I am living in the glory of the Lord and feeling the Holy Spirit running through me. I’m still clean and I’m still doing what’s right and I know I can continue to do so…Don’t get me wrong, I know I will have other tough days ahead,  but as for me I choose to walk with the Lord in my house.

I truly thank all of you for your prayers and encouragement. God Bless all of you.

Chris

The pain of another lost day,

The pain I feel today,

Me and my quiet time

I cannot describe the pain I’m in, I feel so screwed up the last week. I cannot do anything right. I can’t comprehend this computer. I can’t walk around without pain; I can’t help out with money. I feel worthless. I’m in so much pain my heart aches. I’m doing everything above and beyond paroles expectations. I’m fully involved every week in my church, South Haltom, I’m involved every week in Celebrate recovery, I go to counseling with my pastor every week, I pray and pray for guidance  and direction, and favor.  I wish I could help my mother more but I try and try and but don’t get it. I get so overwhelmed and it happens so fast. My anxiety makes me feel like I’m having a heart attack and then  I shut down, I feel sometimes I’m a Burdon to my mother. She supports me and reassures  me daily that I’m making positive moves and she gives me so much love and care. I KNOW SHE WOULD DO ANYTHING SHE CAN FOR ME AND SHE DOES. Without her I would probably be back in prison…It pains my heart so much seeing her work every day. And the pain she is in…We have mighty prayer partners and we have support, but not knowing what the lord has in store for us is so hard. Living outside the walls of prison is nothing nice sometimes…Prison was easy for me. Sometimes I just want to go back to my cell and do my time. In prison I was so close to the lord, Miracles happened every day for me. I was content, not always happy but I was close to the lord and I felt the Holy Spirit working in me so much.

My application for reinstatement for SSI was denied once again. I’m going through the appeals process. I need help so bad in so many areas. I’m so stressed out, I know I’m not alone in these trials and I know others are out there in the same position I am in. Please tell me what you’re doing to overcome this fear. And frustration.

I truly hate all these new feelings or guilt, remorse, knowing right from wrong and trying to live by the good word. I think I could go back to Tattooing and make more money than I could spend, but the lord has placed in my heart that a tattoo shop is a negative place for me to be in. But it is still hard knowing I could support myself and my mother with the skills I have.

Every day lately has been like this. I just want to sleep and wake up and have it all better. But I know that is not possible and not realistic. I’m lost and tired and I feel like I’m a waste of space on this earth. I would never hurt myself and another human being. But if the lord came today and took me up to heaven I would get on my hands and knees and thank him…Life is not east and life is not fair…I will be the first to admit it but I need a break so bad.

Please tell me if you’re going through this and have any of these feelings I have. I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want this vicious circle to keep repeating itself. I need help and I need prayers so I would ask all of you for a prayer or ten for me and my mom…I do know things do get better and God does have a plan for me and my family. But that waiting game is so very hard…That’s just how  I feel  today and I pray every day it will change…Please pray more for me and my mother……GOD BLESS YOU ALL….