positive or negitive..you decide

Apr.9^th 20101

Well this is nothing nice. I wish I could tell u that life is bowl of oranges but some of got the pits. In the last few weeks I have had surgery and I waited so long for the surgery it did nerve damage to my nerve on my leg. It’s nothing nice. I had my SSI hearing on March 23.i did not get a answer and was told me it would take a few weeks to hear from them…it’s always hurry up and wait !! The lord id truly testing me. I think of Job and his trials…to be honest it does help but I’m scared to take on those trials…I have 56 months clean and I came to relive…If I wanted to get high, it’s not possible, I know no one who uses and I don’t even knee where to score and I thank the lord for that. My mom has truly blessed me and I keep it going one day at a time…even a second a day…I get so depressed and just get lost…I do know the lord does have a plan for me. That is what keeps me going everyday…

I wish I could tell you how to fix you and yours…but I can’t and it pains me to say so. I’m 39 and I took the lord in my life and I hit bottom several. Times I bounced and bounced a few more times…I believe you have to let your love ones live to the best of their own drum…and to be 100% real some might make it .I know this is  not a good subject but you cannot  lead a horse to water and make him drink

I don’t know if my words mean anything …I right about how I feel and  I write as I see it..

The Demons that haunt us late at night

Sometimes a person starts to think too much, I can think about a pencil long enough for it to become the biggest deal in my life. I don’t know about you but this can be very hard and most difficult to get over. I know I hold the keys to my future but sometimes the past just does not want to fade from my memories. The lord knows this to, so I tend to think that he does not want me to move forward till I resolve these past issues. I have had quite a colorful background and have done many of things and hurt many of people in my travels. I just used to do what I wanted with no care of anyone but myself. I’m trying to change that but it troubles me late at night when my mind wonders and my night mares kick in…it’s like I cannot get away from them I’m haunted with the old times and don’t know how to move beyond them…I try getting in my bible and it calms the demon inside of me for a bit but then the devil climbs to the top and tries to gnaw threw my wall of safety..I don’t know if any of you deal with this kind of things and I pray you don’t but as for me it’s a reality of my life and my past. I put this in the Lords hands and I try to surrender it over to the Lord and the Holy Spirit. But it does not stop so there must be a reason for this because i know the Lord will help me remember that nothing is going to happen to me today that he and I together can’t handle..If anyone out there has an idea to help me out i would love to hear about it and talk to you …Praise the Lord.

Why do excons returne to prison, after we are realesed ??

 

My heart has been weighing heavy lately and thought of all you lost souls out there, I also think and pray daily about all my friends who have returned to prison..It pains me to think about all the evil and peoples old ways coming to the surface. I heard nothing but I’m never going back to prison when I was behind the walls and as I look at the DOC web site I see so many of my friends I did bible studies and friends who I thought that really had a plan and ideas, goals so when they got out they could stay out.

But I know firsthand it’s easier said than done. I have made more bad choices then I care to admit and I know that the only thing that has kept me from violating my parole is the walk I walk with the lord. My mother is the second reason witch comes to this point..I have a church and a great support network of powerful prayer warriors on my side.

I think that these friends of mine who I truly believe that wanted to stay clean and stay out of prison where missing one huge factor in there re-entry..No support group, No friends and family who they could just sit and talk to. I do not expect a lot of parents and others to understand what someone who has spent years behind the walls feel upon release..But for myself I talked and communicated with my mother and pastor and my mentors the feelings of not being able to be in crowds and not being able to voice my feelings.

.See feelings in side prison are dangerous..We cannot show feelings or show weakness..It’s just not possible surrounded by people just looking to pray on the weak..So we hold it in and after so long it becomes habit to not talk and not let our feelings show..Yes it is not right but let me tell you it is the way it goes..And after we come out and people honestly try to help we find it hard. We have spent so many years bottling up our anger, feelings and trying to forget the past. That we truly forget how to trust and interact with others..

I truly believe that’s why so many of us convicts return to prison..We cannot open up and share our thoughts and goals and feelings..Some prisons are worse than others and I have been in maximum security prisons most of my life and let me tell you..I thought one day at a time because I might not live to see the next..I understand this is harsh and it’s hard to comprehend but I’m telling you all this is the way it is…

My point I’m making is if you have a loved one coming out of the system, I feel you must let them move on there on time, please do not hit them with what are you going to do now..Too soon, try to understand that they are fighting for their life day and night, even though they are not behind the walls anymore. I know it might be hard to watch your love one sit in his room but think of it like this, he has been in a cell and its comfortable to be in a small area and have control of his surroundings and let him adjust on his own..Show him your love and understanding but try not to put too much on his plate..That will overload a convict so fast and shut down and us as people want to feel safe and comfortable and we want to know our surroundings and if you try to fast to change his thought pattern..You might have a runner on your hands.

It’s not that we like or want to go back to prison. I hear so much he must like it in there..This is so not true the fact is he is comfortable in that surrounding and the stress of the outside and the responsibilities were too much…please try to understand we need time to adjust and it may be a month or years but know this..We all want to be free from the prison and we want to enjoy life..So he or she will come around but please don’t try to rush it, give it to the Lord and he will work, mold your love one into a new man..Rember the lord’s time is not our time….well that’s my thought for today..God Bless you all.

help keeping me sane in the coming months

Well good day all, this is off my 5 part series, but I thought I would give all of you an update on my health. On 8/30/10 on a Sunday I received a MRI, It only took 5 months to get one but thank the lord I got one, Well after the radiologist read it he sent me down to the emergency room and said my disk was blown and was very surprised I was walking…I informed him I was not walking too often..Any way I sat in the urgent care till 3 am and was saw by an orthopedic surgeon who said I needed surgery, he wanted me to be seen by his boss the next day, well that went well, I guess. He told me a whole bunch of mumbo jumbo that I had no idea what it meant, except I needed a operation, I asked for another appointment next week so I could bring my mother and my Pastor, My pastor has had 35 surgeries on his back. What it comes down to is I’m getting surgery, now I’m asking for a favor from anyone out there. I’m looking for an old X-Box. Nothing special they have upgraded the X-Box and other gaming devices so much the old one is not even sold in stores anymore. Pawn shops Carrie them.  But I’m asking for a donation or a gift. If you or one of your children have a old one laying around I sure could use it, I’m going to be laid up in my bed healing for some time and need something to keep my mind off the pain and there is only so much reading a guy can do. So if you have one or know someone who does it would be great to get it. My money is very tight but I might be able to help with shipping fees…I thought I would ask  around so thank you for your time reading this and seeing what you can do, Thank you very much and God Bless you all..

Stop The Insanity And Surprise You’r Self And You’r Loved Ones

This Blog Is The First Of A Five Part Series.

Part # 1.

As I sit and ponder my future, I come to so many walls, so many “what ifs” and “whys” and “when’s.” I think that’s normal for someone wanting to change their life around, someone trying to do things different. So, I find myself dealing with these issues one by one. And I try to keep it in my head that this is my life, and there are thoughts of the past—a past I cannot change or undo. And I have no plan to go back to that life style again, yet I find that if I think about something long enough it can overtake my mind. I can make the smallest issue become the biggest problem in my life, if I dwell on it long enough.

And I’ve got to stop dwelling on negative things. Period. But that’s a hard habit to break.

I thought for many years that the glass was half empty with a crack in it…and I just dulled those thoughts with drugs and material things to keep my mind at bay. You see, I didn’t grow up under normal circumstances. I started running away from home at the age of 13, I was on the streets and living the life of an outlaw, so I tended to have a negative outlook on most things. Life was not that great and I was not a nice and happy-go-lucky kind of guy. I took what I wanted and did what I needed to do to survive. On the streets, people take advantage of weakness. Hurting others did not mean a thing to me, and it seemed I had no conscience. But like I said, I was doing what I could to survive. The streets can break the hardest men and bring you to your knees—making thoughts of taking your life a reality.

Pain managment, A blessing from Christ.

Well all my brothers and sisters in Christ, I have been blessed, Today I’m going to a pain management clinic and its taking me almost five months to get this appointment, And I’m scheduled for a MRI sometime this month. Praise the lord. Thanks to my home church South Haltom they are blessing me with help and support, I cannot even began to tell you how much love and support I have been given from my loved ones from my church, …. I want to be fixed and live, walk and carry on a normal life. I hurt so bad and this effects my mental well being so much, I’m learning jumping threw these hoops and  5 months later that it pays  off to be patience and fallow threw there rules and walk there steps. But it is paying off. So to you out there with medical problems and feel like life is getting hard my advice is to stick to your program and take advantage of everything the state has to offer, Don’t get me wrong its nothing nice to jump or crawl through the systems hoops but it does work. Unless you are one of the fortunate ones who can afford insurance, I stay Faithful and I stay clean and the Lord does reward me… Don’t even think for a second I have not been in so much pain that the thought of going and scoring some dope from the corner has not entered my mind, But I read my bible and pray and talk to my support group almost daily…Keep your head up and try to walk tall and keep your Faith strong it does eventually work out..God does bless all of you. If you are having some of these issues please get back to me and let’s talk, I need all the advice I can get…This way of live is nothing nice and I know the Lord did not make me and walk by my side for all these years to let me rot in some bed. I have my faith and my 45 months drug free…And it feels great.

Poem writen in prison 11/20/07

Me and my INK !!!

I wrote this while in prison. On 11/20/07  11:55pm

“””Location”””

I’m up late at night

In my cell tucked away

And out of sight

I sit and wonder

About all the things that are going to come my way in the coming day

I don’t know if I would call it fear or fright

I just know it’s out of sight

Maybe it’s around the bend

Maybe it will come at the day’s end

For one thing I know

All these days will go

And it will not matter how and when

Just that today will end

And I’ll be awake in my cell cold and dark

Ow it’s a living hell

For I know where I’ll be today

Just wait and see

Me in my cell

Again

Again

The pain of another lost day,

The pain I feel today,

Me and my quiet time

I cannot describe the pain I’m in, I feel so screwed up the last week. I cannot do anything right. I can’t comprehend this computer. I can’t walk around without pain; I can’t help out with money. I feel worthless. I’m in so much pain my heart aches. I’m doing everything above and beyond paroles expectations. I’m fully involved every week in my church, South Haltom, I’m involved every week in Celebrate recovery, I go to counseling with my pastor every week, I pray and pray for guidance  and direction, and favor.  I wish I could help my mother more but I try and try and but don’t get it. I get so overwhelmed and it happens so fast. My anxiety makes me feel like I’m having a heart attack and then  I shut down, I feel sometimes I’m a Burdon to my mother. She supports me and reassures  me daily that I’m making positive moves and she gives me so much love and care. I KNOW SHE WOULD DO ANYTHING SHE CAN FOR ME AND SHE DOES. Without her I would probably be back in prison…It pains my heart so much seeing her work every day. And the pain she is in…We have mighty prayer partners and we have support, but not knowing what the lord has in store for us is so hard. Living outside the walls of prison is nothing nice sometimes…Prison was easy for me. Sometimes I just want to go back to my cell and do my time. In prison I was so close to the lord, Miracles happened every day for me. I was content, not always happy but I was close to the lord and I felt the Holy Spirit working in me so much.

My application for reinstatement for SSI was denied once again. I’m going through the appeals process. I need help so bad in so many areas. I’m so stressed out, I know I’m not alone in these trials and I know others are out there in the same position I am in. Please tell me what you’re doing to overcome this fear. And frustration.

I truly hate all these new feelings or guilt, remorse, knowing right from wrong and trying to live by the good word. I think I could go back to Tattooing and make more money than I could spend, but the lord has placed in my heart that a tattoo shop is a negative place for me to be in. But it is still hard knowing I could support myself and my mother with the skills I have.

Every day lately has been like this. I just want to sleep and wake up and have it all better. But I know that is not possible and not realistic. I’m lost and tired and I feel like I’m a waste of space on this earth. I would never hurt myself and another human being. But if the lord came today and took me up to heaven I would get on my hands and knees and thank him…Life is not east and life is not fair…I will be the first to admit it but I need a break so bad.

Please tell me if you’re going through this and have any of these feelings I have. I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want this vicious circle to keep repeating itself. I need help and I need prayers so I would ask all of you for a prayer or ten for me and my mom…I do know things do get better and God does have a plan for me and my family. But that waiting game is so very hard…That’s just how  I feel  today and I pray every day it will change…Please pray more for me and my mother……GOD BLESS YOU ALL….

try the Lord for 30 days if you’re not satisfied you can get a full refund…

As the lord works out my direction, I feel his hand on my shoulder directing me to the path he wants me to take. I feel the need to help other addicts, drunks and lost sheep. I also hope and pray that my testimony can give some comfort to the parents of lost children. I’m living proof that God Does allow U-turns. I truly feel that all the life experiences I have can help someone…Let me tell you a little somthin somthin…When I was young going through the juvenile court system and counselors, I felt they had no credibility at all. They knew nothing of squatting under the Golden Gate Bridge, Hustling drugs to survive. Don’t get me wrong they were educated in their field but most of them came from upper middle class homes…And I could see it in the souls…so they had no credibility with me..I think to this day that if someone like myself had talked to me and explained some life rules it would of helped me on my journey…I know the lord had me travel that road for a reason  and I am who I am today because of it. But it was nothing nice…I hope and pray for the youth of today, Life is hard and can tear you up quicker than anything…But The Lord can provide and give our souls some rest and reassure us  that it is brighter on the other side of the fence. I say try the Lord for 30 days if you’re not satisfied you can get a full refund…

sick and tired of being sick and tired !!!

I find myself fed up with my old life and I’m learning that starting over s no joke or an easy thing to tackle. The thought of more time behind the walls of a prison keep me on track. I’m so very blessed that my Mother is walking this journey with me. But really it comes down to me and myself..You cannot make a person want to change his life around. I believe and what happened to me was I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I ran out of chances with the law . I have 9 felonies convictions, any more is a life bit in the joint. And some say the person who needs to change must hit bottom..Well let me tell you I hit bottom and bounced a few times and still did not change. I did not even think about slowing down till I was 30 and then I was still going strong with my Outlaw life. By 35 I stepped back and looked at myself .and knew I needed to do something..And I still went to prison after seeing  but doing nothing to change. I’m 38 and I’m feeling it. I have put my body through so much its giving me pains and I’m suffering the consequences of my wreck less life. Riding hard tail Harleys did not help my back either